Once upon a time, in the great white land of Canada, there was a little girl who lived with her mother, who was an old lady, who was played by a guy, who was dressed up as an old lady, who liked to watch Tom & Jerry cartoons. This little girl's name was Little Red Riding Hoser (not to be confused with Little Red Writing Foo. That's a different story entirely).

One day, Little Red Riding Hoser's mother said to her, "Little Red Riding Hoser, I would like you to take this basket to your grandmother, eh. She lives in a cottage down the road that like winds through the Snowy Forest. The basket is full of beer and donuts, so take care not to let anything happen to it, eh. It's beauty."

Little Red Riding Hoser agreed, and she exited the house and went skipping down the road towards grandmother's house. Deep inside the Snowy Forest, she found some snow (fancy that!) and decided to stop and build a snowskimo. About the time when she was putting his hood on, she heard a voice behind her!
"Hello, little girl," Little Red Riding Hoser turned to see a polar bear standing nearby (surely there are polar bears in Canada!), "What are you doing, eh?" it asked her.
"I'm building like a snowskimo, eh. Then I'm going to take some beer and donuts to my grandma." She answered hesitantly.
"Beauty. So like where does your grandma live, eh?"
"Jeeze, she just lives down the road here, eh."
"Beauty. Well have fun, eh. Watch out for like wolves and stuff."
"k."
The polar bear left and Little Red Riding Hoser finished the snowskimo. Then she picked up the basket, and trotted off down the road. A ways along, she ran into a mountie!
"Oof!" She fell over.
"What ho, citizen?" The mountie said.
"I'm on my way to my grandma's house, eh. I'm taking her a basket of donuts and beer."
"I love donuts and beer! Mind if I drop by later?"
"Sure, eh. She just lives down this road in a cottage."
"Beauty. Carry on then." Mountie said, and off she went to grandma's house.

At last she reached the cottage. She knocked on the door 3 times and from inside she heard a deep voice say, "Come in, you knob! I mean come in, my dear.."
Little Red Riding Hoser slowly creaked open the door and stepped in, "Grandma?" The room was dark inside and she could faintly make out a pale figure lying in the bed. "Grandma, you sound funny."
"Just a cold, eh. What are you doing here?"
"Like I brought you some uhhh...like donuts and beer and stuff."
"Beauty, eh! Bring 'em over here!"
Little Red Riding Hoser walked over and set the basket on the bed. Then she looked wide-eyed into the face of her grandma. It was most unusual.
"Jeeze Granny, like you've got some big ears, eh!"
"Take off, eh! That's so I can like hear and stuff."
"But granny, you've also got some big eyes!"
"Yeah that's so I can see, eh."
"And a big nose!"
"YOU'VE got a big nose!"
"You've got big teeth too, eh!"
"That's so I can eat DONUTS, BEER, AND LITTLE GIRLS!!"
And with that, the polar bear aka "granny" jumped out of bed, pounced on Little Red Riding Hoser, and gobbled her up! Suddenly the door opened and mountie walked in!
"Woah, a polar bear!" He exclaimed. The polar bear growled and Mountie whipped out his hatchet. With one mighty swoop the bear was hosed!

And with that, Mountie ate the donuts, drank the beer, and lived happily ever after.