Thursday, September 29, 2016

Divorce Is The Worst

It's easy to act like my marriage is in the past, but sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop haunting me. A recent relationship crash brought about an awareness that I am still highly affected by the loss of my wife. And since that time, I have been plagued by reminders, particularly in these last few weeks.

This year I had to move out of the house we lived in, with the hopes of escaping some of the depression that loomed there. Way too many memories. But the process of moving required me to dig through a lot of old stuff, which wasn't a fun time. Even though I live in a new city now, I still get super depressed if I stay in that house for too long, when I'm visiting or working.

More recently, Netflix announced that a new Gilmore Girls season was in the works and would be released this year. That, paired with stumbling upon every Gilmore Girls DVD set when I was packing up, unearthed a lot of memories, because Gerie was extremely into the GG show for the longest time. I've probably seen every episode 10 times, whether I wanted to or not, just because she liked to have it playing in the background while she worked around the house.

Then I was contacted by her for the first time in maybe a couple years, because her name was on my truck loan, and the payment deadline was coming up, so they notified her. It was weird hearing from her again. So I paid off my truck, only to remember her name is also on the title, so I had to make arrangements with her to sign away her half of the ownership.

Then I found out she had recently replied to an old email from my sister-in-law last month, out of the blue, because she'd been going through old emails apparently, and for some reason decided to reply after three years.

And then my dog got out, and she contacted me again because her phone number was still on his collar and somebody had called her about it.

Then last night I happened upon a movie I hadn't seen in ages, which had strong emotional ties to my marriage, and that brought back a lot of memories.

Also last night, I had a vivid dream about getting back together with Gerie, because apparently in the dream, she hadn't married somebody else. And I awoke rather distraught.

Then today I stumbled upon a short film that, when I watched it, reminded me of what my whole marriage had felt like with surprising accuracy. Maybe I was reading into it, but nevertheless...

That's a lot of stuff to get hit with this year, after thinking it was all behind me. It would feel good if I could say everything was with great purpose and all these chaotic memories were resurfacing for a reason. But it's frustrating to think it's more likely just several painful coincidences and none of it means anything.

I am still grateful we don't have to share custody of children. I don't know how people cope with that. It sounds like more than I could bear. Divorce is the worst, man.